A new beginning

So I finally started something new. Its not really what I was expecting  but it happened and I’m relieved. Can you guess what I am talking about? Well.. I am talking about a new person in my life.  In my recent posts I talked about someone who really just tore me up inside that I couldn’t get over.. well I finally did. Which I never thought would happen. I guess I let myself open my eyes and realize that you can only try to make things work for so long..and if you get rid of all that negative energy in your life something good will come. Anyways this new person is different from others. He actually has emotions and shows them unlike the other guy. The bad thing is I think he’s a bit shaky about my friends and has trust issues because of his past.. which is a problem. We aren’t dating but there is definitely something there between us. The thing is about my friends is that most of my friends are guys. And well you know how that goes. I don’t understand why people think that just because you’re close to people from the opposite sex means you are doing something sexual together. My friends and I are not like that at all. They are like my brothers. I am hoping soon he will see that. Its not going to work or be easy for us if he never realizes that.
I’m not so much worried about that situation as I am of the whole thing of us not technically dating. I am through with being with someone with no label on the relationship. Sounds pretty stupid to some people but its security and comfort for me. It lets me know that the person is serious about me and is wanting it to work.  It has been only about a month and few weeks but still I had have that month and few weeks turn into 2 years without being “technically dating label.” I hate it. It really bothers me. Its like saying hey we’re together but we aren’t gf and bf so I can see other people too.. like friends with benefits. Fuck that. >.< I am hoping this person is just taking the time to get to know me and not just trying me out. I don’t need it again in my life. I think one of these days I’m going to have to talk to him about it. Hopefully he won’t be weirded out or anything. Its not like I’m trying to rush things. I just want to know if he ever wants to take a step forward or not so I won’t be wasting my time. Maybe it happen this week.

So onto a different topic..Cosmetology. It has been pretty busy. I am on Christmas Break at the moment. But I know as soon as I get back it will be even more busy because the seniors graduated and now us newbies are seniors. So we practically get all the clients now. Time is really flying by. Soon we will be graduating. YAY!  Now I just have to focus and keep working hard. I am another step closer to accomplishing my goals.
Anyways I’m off to bed, tomorrow is just another day of something new.

Next

You know what I realized two things today. First, I learned no matter where you go, there will always be the same people and the same drama. I thought maybe since I’m going to college and people are older, its not high school, people would act their age. No. Its not like that. Its just like high school. It makes me sick to go to school and hear so much shit and see people twice my age to fight like teens. I don’t know about them but I’m there to learn, not see who’s more “hood” than the other. I hope the year will go by fast and they will realize this class is just not for them.
Second, I learned that I can’t change people. I really thought if I worked hard enough I can make someone better and help them realize that they’re special; that things would really work if you try. Instead it seems like I’m pushing away myself from who I really am because I’m not staying true to myself. I don’t know if  that came out right… but i guess what I’mtrying to say is… I am making everyone else happy but myself. its kinda pathetic. And I am getting to the point where I just don’t care about anyone. I really hate the people who don’t care about anything because to me it sounds like they have no compassion in life or no voice you know? But I’m actually considering about being one of those people. I hate being misunderstood and walked all over of just because I am a nice person. Its like whatever I do it doesn’t seem enough or appreciated one bit. I would shit myself twice if someone actually thought about me instead of themselves. I’m not talking about opening a door or waiting for me, nothing that a stranger would do. But like something you would never do or want to do, but do it just for that person. I know I’m rambling on about this subject but I feel obligated to only need other peoples needs.  It should be like that saying, ” you scratch my back, I’ll scratch your back.”  am not saying that nobody ever has treated to me once… I’m saying that I am usually the person who gets the “skip” card.  Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

A calm night.

So its been awhile since I have posted anything so I figured i will ramble on about how things are going at the moment.   It’s pretty peaceful outside right now. The rain trickling down on the porch, leaves bristling and cool breeze. I am really enjoying this sense of calmness and escape. Gives me time to think about things and just chill from the world. Its actually a great time to do something creative..but not really in the mood. I have so many things on my mind like school, Cosmetology, and certain frustration. Ugh. Its all a bit overwhelming at the moment. I still have to get a gift and plan things out for my moms birthday party this weekend. Blah. Seems like ever since I got back from my trip things have been building up on me. Cosmetology has just started but I have only been there for a day and I already have to study for tests. I have a lot of work on my shoulders and hardly anytime for my friends. Its unbelievable how time flys and you start a new life. I kinda miss how things were 2years ago. Everything seemed… easy. Oh well. I am just going to think of these “complications” as steps and learning experiences toward the beginning of my life…because that’s exactly what they are. Hopefully things will start to slow down so I can spend time with my homies.
And maybe even find a Lil love <3

Mix feelings

  Ugh. I feel like crap tonight, again. You know I don’t think I can take it much longer. Getting let down really sucks. I never knew I could feel this way. I’m a really strong person and I always seem to shake things off. But this kid really makes me feel miserable at times. I don’t know why I bother. Lately it seems pretty natural to go to bed with stained pillows and wake up with a smile that everything is ok.
  I can’t count on how many times people tell me I can do better. I take it in, but never follow through. I guess its because I have a open mind and think people will change. Or maybe they just don’t understand how I feel. (sigh) I feel really gay for getting hung up on a guy. Its not me. I usually don’t get bothered over things. And I feel even more gay for shooting down some really nice guys because I like a douche. Haha sounds like what always happens to the nice guys right? Sorry. But you know I always dated the “nice guy.”  You can’t help who you like..
I really don’t know what to do. I think I’m going to have to figure this one out on my own. Hopefully this trip I’m going on will clear my mind and help me figure out what to do. I think I’m going to ignore him  and not see him for awhile.  Sadly, I think that it won’t last longer than 2 weeks.  I’ll be right back where I left off.   Ha, you know maybe it would be easier if he just left me this time..I think I could handle that better than me ending it.  Even though that’s the last thing I want to happen. Oh well.
I guess we will find out soon.

I feel so.

You know what really seems to smack me in the face everyday when I get up? Reality. I don’t know why but I seem like I could do be doing something more but I decide to not to. I think its because I feel comfortable with what I’m doing. Which is pretty ignorant because I know I could be better off doing other things. I think what I’m trying to say is that I’m too comfortable with letting people taking advantage of me, physically and mentally.  I don’t know what happened this year. But it seems to me that I’ve become weak and not aware of right and wrong. Is it wrong to want something even though it makes you upset? I don’t know what to do anymore. Its like I lost myself with a wave of hope.  

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